This blog is messy, sporadic, kind of meaningful and kind of embarrassing. I began writing at alittlemorerain.blogspot.com as an eighteen year old in the middle of my year living in Chile. A decade later i feel mild frustration with the fact that i can't categorize this blog as insight into any particular area or time frame in my life, but truthfully i guess i don't care. It's always been hard to balance what gets expressed here versus what gets expressed in the equally messy paper journals i've been keeping since age eleven. At times i've posted once in a whole year. Sometimes life is too good to stop and write. Sometimes life is too horrific to stop and write. Still, i'd like to record as much as possible. I'm giving up on the pursuit of a theme or organized compartmentalization. But, I'm committed to writing here more frequently. There's something powerful about sending your thoughts out beyond your private journal pages...no matter if no one ever reads those thoughts. I'm tempted to copy and paste the more "immature" sounding posts from my "younger days" into a different forum, or start afresh on another format. I'm super embarrassed with some of the things i've sad, and the ways i've spelled things (enuf for enough, for example) for brevity..and that was BEFORE TEXTING!) But.. i say..oh well. I'm sure i'll be embarrassed by the things i write at 28 when i am 38. Writing, no matter the quality, is something i have to do. The important part is that, God willing, i'm still writing at 38. So, here's to (another) go at this messy old blog.
Today, a spiritual leader i admire, Bill Johnson, posted the following: "To not give to the poor because of a fear they will misuse the money is a misuse of the money." It is incredibly refreshing to read this from a prominent spiritual leader..to hear it from anyone really. I know that people vary in their opinions on what it means to "responsibly" help others. I understand the fear behind giving something and suspecting it will be misused. However, i have always bristled at this sentiment. I'll be blunt..i think it's arrogant to hold the reins that tightly on what we think is "ours" when it isn't "ours" to give or not give to begin with. Everything you have is a gift. Yes, you may work hard, you may earn things, it is still all a gift from God.
I'm not an expert on anything..and i have a lot to learn...but i've spent a lot of time talking with people who live on the streets. At the very heart of anything they could possibly want or need is..... RESPECT. If respect wasn't the primary issue, then it would be okay for someone to throw a few dollars at someone begging for money without looking at them. Most of us, no matter our opinion on giving, would agree that acting in such a way is unacceptable. The reason this is unacceptable is that it is completely devoid of respect. To treat someone as though they are worth more than their darkest day, biggest need, most embarrassing moment, is the real act of giving and love.
To not give because of the fear of what will be done with your gift, is choosing to not TRUST the person you are giving to and not TRUST the Lord. To not give because of fear is a desperate clutch for control. It is based in fear..and pride.
Let's say you have a few minutes to spare, and you choose to go buy a sandwich for someone, instead of handing them ten bucks. That seems like the perfect compromise..you are giving to someone, they are receiving something, and you can be sure that the gift will be put to good use, not exploited or misused. That is fantastic. But..even my view on this was rocked a few months ago....
A friend and i were taking a rare lunch break at work and went to Subway for a meal. On the way we noticed a man in the parking lot. He looked weary, needy, and in despair. He had a bedroll and a sign. My friend and i wanted to help. Neither of us were opposed to giving him cash, but we didn't have any on us and we were getting sandwiches so we thought we would pick one up for him as well. As we approached him, we made small talk and offered him the sandwich. He seemed grateful but tired. His eyes shot to his left. "I have a whole bucket of food...". Indeed,.. there was a large (think construction site size) bucket FULL of food..sandwiches and burgers wrapped in familiar wrappers..more than any person could eat in a day,..most likely spoiling as we stood there...sure to be wasted..and just another heavy load for him to carry. The awkward combination of emotions he must have felt hit me hard. I'm sure he felt embarrassed. Embarrassed because he surely felt grateful, but didn't know how to express that without acknowledging the obvious FACT that what he was being offered was not only not what he needed, but was now becoming a burden. I'm also sure, more than anything, that he felt deep shame. That's how i would feel..I would feel shame, embarrassment, I would feel disrespected. At the end of the day, person after person made a decision to be generous to this man...and that is not something we should minimize. BUT...person after person..(including myself!) made a decision to give safely. Safe decisions that would eliminate our need to trust. The unfortunate result of the accumulation of safe decisions was that this man not only did not get what he needed, in any way.. he didn't get anything materially that could help him (money to make a phone call, money to save up towards housing, money to buy a meal tomorrow..) and he didn't get respect.
What did that bucket full of food speak to this gentleman? I think it would say to me.."people don't trust you..because you aren't trustworthy. Look at you! How could they trust you? How could anyone in your position possibly be capable of making a wise decision? How could anyone who looks like you be trusted with well earned cash? Your mistakes have gotten you here, and you will not make mistakes with my money. You are a bunch of mistakes."
My hope is that i don't sound militant and harsh when making this point. I definitely don't think i am "above" the behavior I'm criticizing. Obviously i only came to this realization because I was the one making a safe decision. It just woke me up a little bit more in that moment. I've felt for a long while that choosing to not give based on fear is a wrong decision, through and through. Now i realize that it also matters what you give. Of course there is nothing wrong with giving someone a sandwich instead of cash...but let's make sure that whatever we choose to give, we are doing so because our hearts are moved and we do not edit our giving based on fear. Trust God with what you give..it's his in the first place. And, trust the person to whom you are giving...who is a person, just like you or i, who happens to be in the pits..where we all find ourselves at one time or another. None of us is truly deserving, but all of us are worthy of respect. An act of investing TRUST in someone is powerful beyond providing something of caloric or monetary value. Give the gift of encouraging someone to dare to believe that they are worth trusting, worth respect, worth love.
